While Ashley was experiencing anxiety and depression, the symptoms of her PPD at first felt manageable. But then things changed 77 days after she gave birth to the twins, when Landon was cleared to come home from the NICU and Maddy was not. Ashley says it was that night that something changed in her.
“I think I was on autopilot up until we brought Landon home,” Ashley says. “It was like a transition of real life, but with Maddy in the hospital, I couldn’t fully transition. My heart was constantly in two places, always happy and sad at the same time, and it became so overwhelming that I just sunk. And that’s when the biggest struggle of my life began.”
At first, Ashley didn’t understand what she was feeling or why she was feeling it. “I felt like it should have been the happiest time of my life, especially with what we went through,” Ashley says. “And I couldn’t understand why I was feeling such sadness and such anxiety and dread to face the days. I know depression and anxiety. But this was something completely different. It was such a tug of war because I had two amazing babies, but I was struggling.”
Ashley soon learned she had developed postpartum depression. “I have a history of battling anxiety and depression, but it was nothing like what I experienced with postpartum,” Ashley says. “I feel like I completely lost myself. I was severely depressed. I didn’t want to get out of bed, everything irritated me, I cried all the time, and I needed my husband home a lot. I didn’t feel a connection with my son. And I didn’t know why I was experiencing any of it.”